Cucumber, Tomatoes and Does!

I heard the most preposterous thing last night. Apparently, when the Al-Quaida infiltrated Iraq soon after the American invasion (Yes! I said invasion!!!), they were making every effort to promote their ‘supposedly’ Islamic morality in the country . The most ludicrous rules and codes to live by. Obviously, I had to verify, double check and triple check!! To my utmost amazement and disbelief, I found it to be true. Hear this…

It appears that, women in Iraq cannot buy cucumber. Yes, that is one of their morality rules or codes by which a decent woman of the Islamic faith must follow.

Why?

Because it looked too much like a man’s penis!! Yes, a bloody penis!
If they were caught in possession of one, or found one in their homes, they were punished. Beaten or stoned….whichever they were in the mood for. Hard to believe isn’t it? Better believe it; cause it is the absolute truth. My perverse mind keeps drifting into places that all men must have been. What about aubergines?? Don¨t they also look kind of penisish!!!! Or, Bananas?

According to the Al-Quaida the cucumber is a male plant. At least now I know how to flirt with a female follower of the al-Quaida. Show her a cucumber, and she gets the message. No need for expensive wine and dining and wasting money:

"Can someone please pass me a cucumber!!"

Hang on there now..

There were rules for men too. No tomatoes! Yes, tomatoes. They apparently have far too much resemblance to a vagina. Please enlighten me here, stretching my imagination beyond the expanse of the universe, I cannot see any similarity. Or, am I the only man on the planet who cannot see the connection. Tomatoes are females according to the turbaned bamboozles. Hence, a man purchasing a tomato was the same as soliciting for sex. The only place a man could freely by Tomatoes was in the ‘red light’ zones of Baghdad. If one existed at all.

They also said, that making a salad with cucumber and tomatoes amounts to adultery. Serious serious adultery. Wonder if the cucumber shags the tomatoe!!!

Question: If a man has a cucumber salad and a woman had only tomatoes, what does it make them? I would think they are then indulging in some adulterous homosexual act. But the Al.Quaida does not seem anything too wrong with that. After all the men fight for day on days and must at some time indulge is sensual activities. Not with each other, but maybe the cucumber. Hence, men and cucumber are allowed. Like wise, women at home alone, clearly needed their tomatoes.

Oh something else. The female goats - known as a Doe or Nanny - according to them, must have undies on. Yes! underwear! I can see the big Paris Fashion Houses rushing now to come up with designer Doe-Undies!

In all honesty, I have never (or any one I know!) looked at a Doe's genital making or anatomy. Apparently, the doe shows its genitals when seen from the back. This according to the Al-Quaida is done intentionally to entice men. Proof: It's tail is raised for clear view and seduction.

Something like a ‘come fornicate with me, darling’.

Interestingly, this might prove some special or 'gifted' talents the Al-Quaida men possessed. They could read the mind of a goat. Especially, the female. How bloody good on them fighters!

Researchers around the world have been try to communicate with animals. And now a break through. The females goats do communicate with the ‘God chosen and blessed’ al-quaida men.

Come shag me!!!...the doe say.

I have just been informed that Salads using Cucumber and Tomatoes can be made..subject to a ritual. Which is, that before the making of the salad, the cucumber and tomatoes are married according to al-quaidaic rites by a al-quadia certified jihadist!! There you go…Salads are allowed actually….phew!

Would you like a cup of coffee….and have your Breasts shrunk!

I did read an interesting article of news in the papers this morning. It was all about breast. Wonderful, isn’t it? Apparently, latest findings suggest that heavy coffee consumption does reduce one’s breast size. I have always been an admirer of small and well shaped pairs! A work of art by nature, I call it. You want them looking at your and not your toes afterall!! Gravity or no gravity!

Have a read on the good news!

http://www.thelocal.se/15016/20081016/

The Swedish researchers have found a connection between coffee and breast size. I can already see this queue of big fruited ladies taking a number and waiting in line to buy coffee now. Go girl…coffee is it. Wonder, if Isaac Newton saw this coming when he was all high on gravity!

Evidently, one must drink at least 3 cups a day. A previous finding also did show that drinking so much coffee a day, reduces breast cancer. It all good news all around then.

What I find totally mad here is, how on earth did they come about this new finding. My gut feeling is that this whole coffee and tits story, was research funded by the South American Coffee Mafia! Maybe there was a downturn in the global coffee market. Where better than Sweden? A very high coffee consuming nation and ladies with big ta-ta’s. The big melons syndrome has even hit men. After making my home in Sweden, even I have developed those succulent pair of ‘ball in a sock’ on my chest! Man boobs, they call it!

Or, were men in white coats serving coffee to those big coconut carrying women and offering a free cup if they could measure their boobies? Or maybe, they kept giving free coffee to women with big tops and one day realized that they were shrinking. Whichever way, I am very curious how they found this eye shattering findings.

As for me and my preference, I have never been one to go gaga and crossed eyed over those coconut sized balcony structures! I used to know this lady who had breast bigger than her head. Here nipples stuck out like tentacles, and it was nearly impossible to look away from her tits and have a conversation. Unfortunately, she misunderstood all this and thought she was a man eater…Ms.Boil, do they yet move to the beat of Swing low..sweet chariot..coming forth to carry me…. I got to find my guitar!

Dog will be dogs!

I am almost certain that most dogs look at well groomed poodles and think they belong to some secret cult. Especially those poodles that have those strange hair-dos. Let’s face it, they look so bloody ugly. Don’t they remind you of a sausage with hair growing in strange places. The irony of it is, that the ones that own these strange dogs, call themselves animal lovers.

Hello! Animal lover?????

How would you like it if you were brought up by dogs, and they made you walk nude, shaved your head and re-designed your arm pit and pubic hair. Well, and then just tie a bow around your testicles. If you are female, mufflers around your nipples. Yeah, maybe a polka dotted scarf too. Now, what would other normal people who saw you, think of you. As a re-born philosopher? I am not sure about that.

It is actually quite disturbing when people treat their animals like that. They seem to forget their dogs are animals and not human. For some strange reason they believe their dogs must be treated like humans and do everything to make the poor animal feel a human. Does that not tell you that they seem to have confused their animals personality with theirs or vise vesa. Not just their personality, but they physical, social, sexual and instinctive needs.

I know this sounds crazy, And most of you who read this hate me for this. But, wake up! A dog needs to be a dog.

Why in heaven's name do you think your dog wants to be you? Before going that far, here is a question: Do YOU, really want to be you? If one can answer that, maybe things will be quite different.

Maybe your dog has a better lifestyle in terms of quality and purpose. If that be the case, and if you really love your animal, you should start behaving like a dog. Run like hell, eat with gusto, never hesitate to show love, and sleep with a smile and enjoy every moment as if it is the last. Believe you me, things will get better...and it will surely make your dog's life better...

I have to go get the right sneakers for my dog now!

Giving my Dog a Blowjob!

I know this sounds preposterous. But I think most of us dog-lovers have done it at some time in our lives. A wonderful way of showing gratitude to our canine friends. After all, for all the wonderful things they do for us…what the hell!

How many of you kiss your dog on his lips?

Have you ever thought about the fact that our dogs often perform fellatio on themselves. Some call it ‘cleaning themselves’. Call it what ever you want. And then we so  adoringly kiss our dogs. Now, my point is why not perform oral sex on our pets. Would that not be a nice way to show appreciation. They do not even demand one to swallow.

No! No! I have not lost my mind . Just for the record, I do not kiss my dog on its lips. I never have and never will. But, if I ever thing of doing that…I may resort to performing oral sex on him. Those of you who thing it is cool to kiss your dog on the lips..well do the honours and please your pet.

Sometimes, I wonder what these people are thinking. Don’t tell me I have lost it, to think in these lines.

Environmently Friendly way to get Al-Quaida

Was thinking the other day about the collosial waste of money on this bloody war against Bin-Laden and his merry talibans. It is a lot of money in there...They use missiles, over a million dollars each. Over a thousand have been fired. Moving personals, high tech defence systems…goodness, my calculator is going up in smoke. I have a simple solution here.

It does not take too much intelligence to figure out that Bin-L and his merry men hate pigs. Yes, Pigs! As in Swine and Oink! Nothing against my Muslim brothers. Still, we all know that Muslims hate pigs and their religion prohibits them even getting too close to them. The reasons are many, Which we all respect. Here is my solution:

Why not air lift a million pigs and air drop them in the hills of Afghanistan. The Tora Bora mountains can be the starting place. The pig will multiply and use the caves for shelter. And we know what happens then. Bin and his men will all be out in a jiffy! Just fill the place with pigs. Maybe, five million pigs. It is not hard to find so many pigs. If each one of us, skip pork for a week in Europe and the US, I am sure we will save 5 millions pigs. Bin and his men will not even shoot them. Dead pigs are said to be worse than the live types, I am told.

In any case if the bugger tries to shoot five million pigs, they will run short of ammunition. George, please give this some thought. Now that Sadham is gone, you have another goal now. Go get them pigs!

Discordant Generation.

I am not much of a musician. Still, correct me if I am wrong. What on earth is happening to music today??? Come on, we have something called Music Videos! What in heaven's name is that? Just don’t get it! Or, am I so daft that my brain is missing something here. Please enlighten me, if you can…

In my book, music is a proper arrangement of notes and chorda and a good melody to compliment it. Sure, a great voice with those poignant lyrics just takes the cake away. Obviously, in some cases, one of these components are so touching that it certainly hits that sensitive ‘nerve’. Be it Pop, Rock, Rock and Roll, Jazz or any of those extensions. They all share a common factor.

Things are so bloody different today. If you are woman, this is all you need. A very sexy body (wonder who actually sets the parameters for that), a face that makes you look as if you are in a permanent orgasmic state. Mind you, no intelligence is really required in the lyrics. Actually, if you just repeat a few sensually appropriate words…you have a good chance to make it. And, if you man, well, have a body that looks more animal than human, a hair cut that your neighbors cow gave you, again no intelligent lyrics, look like a convict, wear your pants on your knees (don't forget to let your boxer be visible) and few tatooes will surely help. Vola! A musician in the making. Chains? Yeah..why not!

Have you notices the names of these people? I am not even going there….

Yes, and something else that seems to be the trend today, is that every one ‘feats’ someone. What on earth is that about? Some fraternity rule or something? Maybe old George is behind it all.

I lost the plot somewhere.....

Mobile Phones Kills Sperms

Now! Now! We used to hear some time ago that mobile phones were causing cancer. That story has not even died, and now this! This report was on BBC, Heavy mobile use 'damages sperm'. Have a read...

What am I thinking? Firstly we do not communicate with our testicles, do we? Or, do you know of anyone who places the phone by his testicles and screams down at his crotch! Maybe there are some people who have their testicles hanging where their ears should be?? Well I am not even going to be thinking where some of the other organs might be!

Now we know where all the research funding goes. We have these white overalled men and women of science who go around, placing mobile phones next to peoples testicles and then do a sperm count.

What I don't get here is, how useful is this finding. True, we all now know never to have a mobile conversation using your testicles. A life and death finding. How interesting, that it is going to change the way people use their mobile phones. From now on people will use their ears.

Acording to the finding, sperm count drops. If someone is using their testicles to have mobile conversations, do they really need to have a sperm count. What for??? I am flummoxed!!!

Every Inside has an outside and every outside has an inside and the two always go together

This is the craziest line of unintelligence I have set my eyes on. Even George Bush would not say something so daft as this.

This was said by a very famous teacher, philosopher and a full time idiot. Just as much as I would love to mention her name, I feel it is unethical. Are you wondering why I use George Bush’s name? Well, cause in many ways I am elevated his intelligence here.

Coming back to the story! Does it take a philosopher to say this inside outside mumbo jumbo? To state the obvious? This lady of French origin is nearly worshipped around the world as someone who found the ‘truth’. The truth of what? Inside and outside? Or is it that I am so daft that I cannot see her point?

Come on people! do I really have to explain this? To get inside something you have to enter from the outside. If there was no outside, from where do you get inside? Obviously you cannot get inside from inside. Or get outside from outside? Or is there some side that is not in or out? Please tell me! What do you call that side?

This lady then goes on to say, the two will always meet!!! Wow! I thought they don’t and the only way to get between them is to take a ride on a special shuttle service run by retired Hungarian astronauts. Now my head is aching…

I have decided to make a line too..

“Where there is light, you will not see darkness; and in darkness light will be gone. Light and darkness never will meet.”
Do you think, I have found the ‘truth’?

Save the Planet...or save ourselves??

Just last night on some news channel I saw Mr.Al Gore talking very passionately about saving the planet. He is not alone on his crusade here. We have all those environmental terrorists who go around the world and do stupid things. Like stalling oil tankers, and hanging off trees threatening to jump into your christmas pudding and dressing up as Unicorns and marching down Oxford Street. A mad lot they are. Al was talking about the planet being sick, making comparrison to a sick human with a viral infection. Hello! Mr. Gore, the planet is sick because of a virus called 'Humans'. Since his days in the Whitehouse it does not look like the mans IQ has improved. If not gone the otherway. Being wise is not the same as acting wise!


My question here is simple. Do we really think we can save the planet? I do not think so! Does the planet need saving or does humankind need saving? The later needs more attention. The planet and nature knows the rules of survival, we don't! The earthquakes, the cyclones, the volcanoes, the tsunami's, the locast attacks, the floods, the break out of deseases etc..They are all part of the planets defense mechanisms. To defend itself!

We humans can do nothing to save or give life to the planet.

Remember the story, Gulliver's Travels? Well, they tied this huge hulk of a man to the ground and thought all was well. Everytime, he moved to make himself comfortable or adjust his positon quite a few of the brats fell down. They needed to save themselves and not Gulliver. That is exactly what we too need to do. Save ourselves from the adjustments the earth will make to survive.

I think it is just so daft of us humans to thing we can save the planet. Saving the planet is a good business though.

So how do we save the planet? Maybe move to a planet on Andromeda. Not to live..but to save that too...

North Korea's Nuclear Adventure

am presuming that some of you have read the news today. The North Koreans have had a bit of a nuclear firworks display last night. Good for them, I say!!

The Americans have said it is 'provocative' and all those that tag behind Bush will have something similar to say. Apparently, according to the Americans, North Korea and just about anyone who freaks the shit out of them, is not responsible enough to have nuclear weapons. Looking back at the history and making of the Atom bomb, only one nation has used nuclear weapons with a high degree of irresponsibility against humanity. Can we all stand up and sing the Star Spangled Banner with gusto now??

Kim Jong-il is the name of the North Korean leader. Sounds more like Israel's domain name extension on the internet, which is il. Anyway, coming back to this chap. The little I have been reading about him is that, he loves his food, wine and women. Look at the bugger, he looks totally stoned and cool. Not a very tall man I am told. Hence, he has that freaked out hair-do and wears platform shoes to give some height. So what? It is about image and how people see you. This kind of thing is done by just about anyone. Seriously, take a look at Bush. He is not the brightest crayon in the box, still in public he puts on a look of intelligence. Not that he pulls it, but still he tries!

My point to all world leaders, what are you worried about? That this Kim Pong Jong fella will take over the world?? Get real! Look at the man. Does he look like he has it. And stop watching too much of those hollywood blockbusters where people take over the world. Who in his right mind will want to do that., besides the village idiot!

Is it raining outside?

Has anyone ever asked you, "Ïs it raining outside?"

As opposed to what? ....if it is raining inside? What kind of a question is that?

I am almost certain that all of us at some time, have been asked this question. We are back to subnormal intelligence, isnt it? So very often, I am bombarded with questions like this, that I wonder what this world is coming to. Are we being taken over by some new breed of people that asks questions like this. Maybe I have been left behind....

The other day, I was out for dinner with a friend in Shagen. The two of us walked into a nice little chinese pub/eatout. We were welcomed by a well dressed young chinese man, who promtly took our coats and then asked, "Table for two?'. Another one of those subnormal intelligent people it seems like. They are all over.

Here is my point; Did it look like my friend was going to sit on my shoulders and have his dinner??? Or, we were going to sit on each others laps - in turns - and have our dinner? Or did it seem like a 1000 people were following me? This question is often asked at most resturants, and I think it is so plain stupid. This has been happening for years, and all over the world.

A few months ago in Earlswood, Surrey I had the same experience.

"Table for two?"

"Three, if you will join us" I said,

By the look on the waiters face, I realised he did not think it was funny!!

I am almost certain these people meet often. Like some fraternity or something. A secret group, that recognise each other in public with statements like this. This group is taking over the world. I am almost certain of that. A clear sign is Mr. George Bush Jr. The prsident of the USA. Can I say more to support my hunch?

Millitary Intelligence

I keep hearing that term 'Millitary Intelligence' in the news all the time.

It was the US Millitary Intelligence that told them that Osama and his gang were having their regular picnics out in the mountains of Afhganistan. We know the story. They never found the man.

All over the globe we see armies following thier so called millitary intelligence and chasing after something that never was. Even in a small island such as Sri Lanka, for the last 20 years their millitary intelligence has been guiding them to more loss that gain.

My point; Millitary Intelligence are two words that must never be together. It is an oximoron. Millitary and Intelligence are a contradiction. I do not know of any millitary in the world that operates intelligently nor any individual of some intelligence having anything to do with the millitary.

It is only the millitary that uses violent means to bring peace. At least, they think so. Does that make any sense?? Besides to Mr.George Bush Jr.

Life it too short????

I often keep hearing people say, 'Life is too short'. Frankly, I think it is the longest bloody thing we know.

Does anyone know anything longer than that? Sure, Comet Kohutek takes 75,000 years to make a come back to earth. Not like we desperately wait for it to come back and have a gala on Krakotoa!!


I think people who make such statements are of subnormal intelligence.

On an average if you lived for 80 years, the chances are that you will not remember most of the things you did as a child. Besides the fact that most individuals at 80, behave like children anyway.

My grandfather lived to a ripe old age. Wonderful man he was. Everyone thought he was blessed. What people seem to forget is that, at 97 he thought my ex-wife (who was 26 then) was his mother, and the male hospital attendant (in his 30's) was the neighborhood tree climbers son.

Now can you imagine Grandpa saying, life is too short?


There is nothing we do in our lives for that long, besides living. And then, we do not even know if we go through another process in another dimension. I mean with all the true-to-life science fiction 'fact' we see telly! Well, if we do , there might be some chance that some of us might get a peek at Comet Kohutek. Let me know if anyone of you do!